The calm before.
I spent the rest of the day feeling giddy. It was so silly and so simple. Love. The diagnosis had lifted a weight from my chest. I wasn’t going mad. I wasn’t ill. I was in love. And I was going to see you that night. Every time I thought of it something would catch in my throat.
I was going to see you that night.
It was the first really hot day of the year. At lunch time I jostled with the tourists and office workers for space by the river. I stood staring at HMS Belfast, letting the sun bounce off it and burn into my eyes. I’d never seen Tower Bridge looking so clean or so white. I’d never seen London so pure. My feet didn’t seem to be making enough contact with the ground.
I was going to see you that night.
What can I do? I thought to myself. I’m as helpless as a twig caught in a river or a bird fighting the wind. I looked out over the water. The Thames was flat and still. Above my head seagulls screamed and wheeled through a clear sky. Maybe I wasn’t so helpless, but I wanted to be. Oh, I wanted to be. Reality had been temporarily suspended. There was nobody else in the world but you; no doubts and no consequences.
I was going to see you that night.
12.12.05 12:53
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